(Image from the Southern Food and Beverage Museum)
Being snowed in has given me lots of time to do lots of stuff, like play with my Joy Journal and think about things...like food, for instance.
I've been going through magazines, clipping recipes, ooooing and ahhhhhing over them and shoving them into my husband's line of sight as he tries to watch the latest edge-of-your-seat SciFi Original Movie (today I think it was something like "The Saw has Eyes and Eats your Bones". Definitely edge-of-your-seat material).
"Oh, look at this!" I say, shoving a recipe in his face, "doesn't this look yummy?"
"mmmhmmmm..." he mumbles, gently pushing the magazine down so he can see the tv.
"Oh! Oh!" I drool, "Oh! This looks delicious!" as I interrupt his show once more.
And so it went.
Yes, being snowed in has somehow made me...hungry.
I was talking to my mom this morning about food (what else?) and comfort food in particular. I called her because she is 25 miles away from me and I was worried she might lose her power and freeze to death and not be found until we thaw out or the snow plows finally make it around to our neighborhood to scrape the roads, sometime around 2012. I don't know what I could have done for her if her power had gone out...after all, I'm snowed in 25 miles away from her. But it was nice to hear her voice and talk about food.
Anyhow, we were sharing how much we love comfort food - grits in particular (and even cream of wheat for me ~ which, I guess, makes me part Yankee. But which part of me...and where did it come from? My mom is Southern...my dad was mid-western. We lived in Yankee territory for a time when I was a child and on winter mornings mom would make me cream of wheat before I went to school...but I ate it like grits - only with butter (no sugar or syrup) and thick enough to eat with a fork...hmmmm...something else to ponder on this snowy, snowed-in evening).
Oh, on an aside, we didn't lose power, but the pilot light on our heater went out. We noticed that the heater was blowing cool air and hubby went to check ~ sure enough, the pilot light was out. I directed him in my usual fashion:
Me: "Try to light it again."
Him as he walks down the stairs to the basement with the Bic gas lighter thingy: ....(with eyebrow raised and wiggling the thingy at me).
A few minutes later:
Him: I can't get it relit.
Me:...(panicking...) Boys! Grab all the sleeping bags and bring them here! We will need to stay warm!
In my mind I am going through all my survival training - only to realize that I have none. I have visions of my sons and my husband and I huddling around the blue glow of the tv set, our lips and toes and fingers turning blue, the sound of chattering teeth - able to watch the latest rerun of South Park, but unable to save my boys from the slow, cold death of hypothermia (or is it hyperthermia? Whatever! Some kind of terrible thermia!)
Me to my husband in a high-pitched squeaky voice: Try again! (as I try not to hyperventilate)
Me (beginning to sound bossy): Call ARS! They just serviced it! They can tell us what to do.
After calling ARS, hubs informs me that everyone is snowed in their own homes for the weekend and won't be out until the beginning of next week (or until sometime in 2012 when the snowplows make it round here).
Me: CALL THE GAS COMPANY!!
Hubs calmly disappears upstairs to the computer, then quietly goes back down to the basement again. I decide that the stair banisters are filthy and need to be cleaned. Suddenly I am freezing to death (even though the thermostat reads 67 degrees...but I am certain that hypothermia (hyper?) will soon set in and brisk movement is the only way to hold it off).
Him, coming back upstairs: Its relit.
Me: You're my hero.
End of drama. Now, what was I blogging about before? Oh yeah...grits.
Later on I went to check my email and found that my mom had sent me this "History of Grits" (which means that she has not lost power and will not freeze to death - at least at the time she had sent the email...hmmmm. Maybe I should call her again. I need something else to panic about ~ I love the adrenaline rush).
I have no idea what the source of this little "history" is (if you do, please let me know so I can give proper credit), but it made me smile and it made me hungry. Enjoy!
I'm going to go see if there are any cookies in the pantry!
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What Are Grits?
Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn.
These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.
Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.
How Grits are Formed
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs.
Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question)..
Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.
Historical Grits
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity.
The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
The 10 Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy .
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.
VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy .
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.
VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
How to Cook Grits
For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. [Use milk and they are creamier!) Add 5 tbs of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.) In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits.
Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they caused cancer, rotten teeth and impotence.
Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.)
Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.)
Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat.
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
(Leftover grits are extremely rare)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish, Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.
Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.
IRISH BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS
May the lord bless these grits,
May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living, And may I die while eating grits.
AMEN
